Over the last six and a half years, I’ve found that my life has been catapulted into the deepest, darkest depths of despair, only to find myself emerging more resilient, hopeful, and grounded than ever before. In 2011, I had just turned 30, and my life was starting to look like I had always imagined it would as a little girl growing up in Connecticut.
My father was an investment banker, and my mother was an accomplished homemaker and philanthropist. I grew up privileged. I excelled in sports and school and went on to become an investment banker myself. I pursued an MBA from New York University in 2010 and worked in institutional sales for the largest asset manager in the world. I lived with my boyfriend in his apartment on Gramercy Park South. It seemed like I had it all.
But like most couples in Manhattan, we had a few issues that I was desperately trying to sweep under the rug. I had a problem with alcohol and prescription pills, and my anger issues were out of control. I could be the sweetest girl in the entire world one minute but violent and belligerent — especially when drinking — the next. One day in April of 2011, I woke up. I decided that I had had enough of drinking. I was so tired of being sick and tired that I was going to get sober for good.
My first nervous breakdown came when I least suspected it.
I made a lot of progress. I was working my way up the ranks at one of the top institutions on Wall Street, ducking in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and getting on and off the reformer, preparing for a hiking trip to Machu Picchu. Then, I snapped; I went to bed an accomplished financial professional, and I woke up in a manic episode on a mission from God to save the world. High amounts of stress is a common trigger for mania, more commonly referred to as a “nervous breakdown,” and I was certainly under a lot of it. I was hospitalized immediately. I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder 1, and I was left alone in the psych ward feeling alone, disillusioned, and devastated
Luckily, I was headed out on a two-week vacation to Peru the day before I cracked, so it wasn’t too hard for me to cover up my hospitalization from work. However, my personal world started to crumble right before my eyes. My boyfriend broke up with me in the psych ward, and I was asked to move out. From that point on, I saw that I had two options, and falling apart wasn’t one that I had any interest in. I set out to stay sober and to take care of myself as well as possible in order to reduce the stress that had caused my breakdown.
Eventually, I got my life back together and learned to prioritize my health.
I was weary of my bipolar diagnosis, as were my doctors, but I decided to take the medication as prescribed, no matter how much I hated the way it made me feel. Over the course of the next four years, I went through the 12 steps of AA, made amends for my behavior, sponsored other women, and worked on changing my attitude. I developed a spiritual relationship with a higher power, and I experienced a psychic change, as described by the book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I moved out to Santa Monica to lessen my stress load, and I manifested my new reality: a bleached blonde, social media-obsessed, Jeep Wrangler-driving Cali girl. I did CrossFit four times a week, I hiked the beautiful Santa Monica mountains on the weekends, I practiced Transcendental Meditation, took advantage of the latest health food crazes in LA, and bathed in self-care. I seemed to have successfully conquered bipolar disorder.
Then, my worst nightmare came true. It happened again.
I went from working as a vice president in venture capital banking, living on the beach with four years of sobriety, compliant with my lithium, physically in the best shape of my life, and had a whole host of friends, to being alone in my bedroom at my parents’ house in South Carolina with absolutely nothing to show for myself, except for a German shorthaired pointer that “I had to have” during my latest manic episode. I had gained 30 pounds as a result of the medication, and half of my hair had fallen out. I was homeless, hopeless, and didn’t care whether I lived or died.
I couldn’t believe it. I, who had successfully worked on Wall Street for 12 years; I, who had come from a perfect, loving, and supportive family, now lay lifeless in bed. All that I had worked for seemed to have disappeared over the course of a magical, Technicolor week that my doctors referred to as a manic episode. When you’re manic, dreams really do seem to come true. Until they don’t — and you’re left with a lot of questions and very few answers. I looked quite happy from the outside, but inside, my brain was on fire, engulfed in delusion.
One of the hardest battles I had to fight in order to recover was to accept that I was, in fact, sick. I had to concede to my innermost self that I had bipolar 1 and substance use disorder and that I was not a reincarnated mermaid princess.. My doctor told me that while your mind goes up in flames during mania, it slowly melts and thaws out in depression. I wondered whether I was ever going to feel like myself again. I was determined to beat bipolar disorder, but my delusions, depression, and anxiety seemed to have it out for me.
It took time. I slowly managed to crawl out of bed, to fight the exhaustion, and to kick my anxiety right in the gut. I started slowly, by making coffee dates with childhood friends. I kept the conversation on them, and I was on the verge of tears when I returned home. But I forced myself to do it… again… and again, week after week, until life started to become more manageable. Bankrupt, financially and emotionally devastated, and divorced, I put the pieces back together day by day until one day I was back — a much more humble, wiser, and more mature version of myself.
The pillar of wellness — and a lot of inner strength — helped me get back on my feet.
By working with a team of doctors who helped me to adjust my medication accordingly, going to spiritual therapy sessions, working out in CrossFit, eating healthy, getting sober again, practicing loving kindness with myself, and most importantly, by being open-minded, willing, and honest with myself and with my doctors, I was able to overcome the greatest tragedy of my life and to turn it into one of my greatest accomplishments.
My disability wasn’t going to keep me down, and staples like self-care, nutrition, movement, and radical honesty helped me put my life back together. I decided to leave the finance industry, and I enrolled in graduate school at the University of Southern California to get my master’s in social work. I am intent on changing the way that the mental health treatment industry works and plan to use my clinical experience and financial acumen to develop programs to help others recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, just as I did — but faster. I know it will be an uphill battle, and I may not be the first one to arrive, but I insist on finishing the race. I will make a difference. It is no longer my dream, it is my mantra.