John Sutherland, author of
Last Drink To LA: Confessions Of An AA Survivor, referred to relapse as “that lovely word for something very nasty and all too common.” Sutherland was a “career alcoholic” as he calls himself, or what is sometimes referred to as a “periodic.”
Throughout his life, there would be times of sobriety and recovery followed by more times of drunk inebriation. Relapse, he described, “is a peculiarly destructive phase.” Describing his personal stories of relapse, Sutherland illustrates the sad imagery many alcoholics in recovery are familiar with from their own stories.
Guilt, anger, shame, self-hatred and a loaded conscience brought Sutherland back to the bottle time after time. Each time he relapsed, his family members and loved ones lost a little more hope in him. Knowing this, he felt even more compelled to drink. Despite his attendance at AA and trying to work for his recovery, he felt he had no defense against drinking time after time.
“What defense do you have? None. Guilt makes the drunken quarrelsome and few alcoholics – when drunk and quarrelsome – are not violent, verbally and (at their worst) physically,” he wrote.
Jealousy, paranoia, anger – Sutherland touched on each of the emotional experiences one has when they relapse. Taken completely over by alcohol, the alcoholic is left without any defense against taking another drink. Their spirit is crushed, the brain is compromised and their body is growing increasingly weak.
Alcoholic Moment of Clarity
Yet, out of the darkness of these dire circumstances comes recovery. The “moment of clarity,” the author called it, is “a fork in the road.” He added, “Take one path and it’s the morgue, locked ward, or skid row. The other, harder path, is recovery with relapse an ever-present risk.”
Not every alcoholic who relapses will make it back to recovery. Relapse is often described as getting worse each time it happens. However, with every moment of clarity, there is an opportunity to start recovery over and take another chance at living free from alcohol.