Support For Families Of Addicts In Los Angeles, CA

When we wallow in toxic guilt, we blame and berate ourselves endlessly for our mistakes, without taking action to correct them. Bill Wilson, one of the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), discussed the problem of guilt in a letter to a friend. Excessive guilt, he wrote, is “nothing but a sort of reverse pride. A decent regret for what has happened is fine. But guilt – no.”

When a loved one is knee-deep in recovery, it is best not to heap additional guilt upon them for past transgressions. Release the urge to point fingers or air grievances. Toxic guilt can certainly be a trigger for relapse.

Similarly, family members need not wallow in their own guilt during this time. Blaming themselves for their loved one’s substance use is not going to help anyone. If the loved one has made it into treatment, stop dwelling on the past and start looking forward. Family therapy sessions will help the client and their family work through these emotions and issues.

Many people believe it’s normal for adolescents to try drugs and alcohol, or that it’s “just a phase.” Much of society seems to tolerate teens having keg parties or smoking marijuana, viewing beer and pot as “soft” drugs. The truth is, when teens drink or use drugs of any kind, the consequences can be lasting, serious, and, in some cases, deadly.

About half of all American high school students use some form of addictive drugs, counting alcohol, according to the Partnership to End Addiction. Alarmingly, nearly 90 percent of people who become addicts started smoking cigarettes, drinking, or using drugs by the time they were 18. About 25 percent of teenagers who use drugs or alcohol wind up addicted.

Since the human brain and cognitive functions continue to develop well into the mid-20s, the consequences of drug and alcohol use by teens can be more than just a case of missing a homework assignment. When “experimentation” crosses the line into substance abuse, schoolwork invariably suffers, sometimes profoundly.

The risks of drug and alcohol use are quite pronounced: Accidents, injuries, depression and sleep disturbances are among the most common. Teens who drink or use drug are also far more likely to have unplanned or unprotected sex, along with higher rates of unwanted pregnancies.

If you find your child has been experimenting with alcohol or drugs, don’t panic. Talk with them frankly, and avoid accusing or blaming them. Then, talk to a therapist or drug counselor to help assess the situation, and discuss the next steps.

Note: Harmony Place only treats adults 18 and older. We hear this question come up a lot, so we thought we would address it here. Also keep in mind that if you child makes it out of their teens without much experimentation with substances, they may still start doing so their 20s. Reach out to Harmony Place if that is the case.

When someone we love is spiraling out of control, actively addicted to drugs, alcohol, or compulsive behavior, it can be heartbreaking to witness. We want so desperately to “fix” the situation. We may feel responsible for the other person’s behavior, and we are flooded with anger, resentment, guilt, and self-doubt.

The truth is we did not cause their addiction; we can’t control it and we cannot cure it. Once we accept these simple truths, we can begin to help our loved ones and ourselves – through an approach called tough love.

In tough love, the emphasis is on love. No matter how upsetting our loved one’s behavior is to us, we must remember to have empathy for them. They are sick right now, and we should no more try to punish them for their addiction than we would punish someone who has cancer.

Try saying, “I hate to see you hurting this way.”

Next, we begin to establish healthy boundaries and communicate them clearly and directly. To do this, we must bear in mind past experiences with our loved ones, as well as our current needs. Invariably, our loved one will cross our boundaries; when this happens, be gentle but firm in reminding them of the rules. Do not get into a confrontation. Do not lecture. Do remain calm.

One of the most important ways in which we set boundaries is to stop enabling our loved one’s addictive behavior. In short, we stop making it easier for them to practice their addiction. We also start to insist that they take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors.

For example, we stop:

• Covering up or minimizing their actions
• Making excuses for their behavior
• Calling them out sick to their employer
• Giving them money

Finally, we offer help, while establishing consequences. As much as it hurts to say no to someone we love, we may have to offer an ultimatum such as, “Either you go into treatment, or you have to leave.”

Sometimes, we simply have to allow our loved one to reach a low point before they accept help. If they are willing to seek treatment, support them wholeheartedly. That is what love is all about.

Even strong relationships take a lot of work to maintain; they require commitment, effort, honesty, and compromise from all parties. Throw addiction recovery into the mix, and relationships can be fraught with additional challenges. Early sobriety is a fragile time, and it is critical that the person in recovery concentrate all efforts on getting and staying well.

The two biggest relationship challenges in early recovery are learning to trust again and learning to forgive. All parties may struggle with these issues, and everyone involved will need to practice honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. This does not happen overnight, however.

All parties will need to work on the relationship, not just the addicted person. However, it is critical that the addict maintain their sobriety, for without sobriety and recovery, there can be no basis for healthy relationships.

If a certain family member tries to undermine the recovery in any way, resorts to emotional blackmail, refuses to forgive the loved one, or refuses to get help for their own addiction, the individual in recovery may have no choice but to keep a distance. As painful as severing ties can be, doing so may prove to be the only way the individual can recover. In the end, nothing matters more.